As you can probably tell from my defined pecs and broad shoulders I’ve been pumping the iron of late. I had to beef up, it was the only way to protect myself from that evil Beyonce.

Sadly it has had the opposite effect, Beyonce can’t get enough of my rippling muscles. See her there in the photo, trying to sneak a look even when I’m working out. Naughty! I’ve also been approached by Men’s Health to be their cover star but to be honest they can’t afford me. And besides, I’m just not that kind of turkey. I would never take my clothes off for money, not like that Beyonce. Help me Brad fans, I just don’t know what to do.

If you could save me and not Beyonce I would be free of her lair forever.

The future of turkey kind depends on my survival.

We’ve stayed indoors recently because it’s been too cold to go outside. Beyonce’s been chewing my ear off about all sorts of stuff, she just won’t shut up. I’ve not really been listening to her, just gobbling in agreement, whilst my mind wonders off to matters bigger than if her bum looks big with those tail feathers. Luckily Daisy (the dog) popped in to the barn earlier for a chat. She’s been looking up some turkey facts on the internet and was asking me if they were true. Which got me thinking… We’re a lot more than a tasty Christmas lunch you know. Here are some Turkey facts that you can impress your friends with on Christmas day.

1.  Turkeys can drown if they look up when it’s raining – this is true it happened to someone I knew. We were outside larking about in the rain then we heard the thunderous rumble of planes. He got all excited, “it’s the Red Arrows Braddy Boy, I love those guys”, he looked up, mouth wide open in amazement, coped a mouthful of rain, and that was that

2. Adult turkeys are called Toms, but I’m called Brad, I don’t get that one

3. Turkey contains an amino acid called “Tryptophan” this is a reasonably effective sleep aid, which probably explains why everyone passes out after Christmas Dinner. Beyonce contains a great deal of tryptophan, which explains a lot

4. Turkeys love following people (this goes way back to when they used to follow large beasts that kicked up the earth uncovering lovely tasty treats as they went) – I’ll follow you, so why not follow me on twitter @brad_turkey – nice!

I’ve sent Daisy off to find out what’s on TV tonight.

She looks cute but no! I have to sleep with one eye open because she keeps nipping my leg whenever I nod off.

She needs one of these. I’m going to get eaten before christmas if this keeps up.

As Beyoncé says, she was hatched way back in 2007. It’s a long time ago for a turkey- She may be small but it’s not because she’s a baby. She’s already seen two Christmases. Me? I’m only 8 months old. This will be my first one- if I make it of course. They tell me turkeys get a little fluff of feather on their chest when they get to 9 months, but I may never get one. That’s just the way things go I suppose.

This is me only 5 months ago.

I have my stocking ready, I suppose I’ll give it to Beyoncé if I don’t make it through.

Phil marked me with an orange splodge today. I can only assume it means I’m the best bird in here. Beyoncé got a green mark too- but I don’t see her being much competition.

(I can’t read, but I saw a picture of a sheep on the spray can so I reckon it must be ok.)